Having raised a girl first – and then raising a boy now – I can honestly say that I was in no way prepared for little boy issues. I never imagined I’d find myself as the mom having to teach a child to “lift the seat” or “hit the target,”among other things. I never imagined having to explain a variety of different boy-issues, and I certainly never expected to have a need for things to be explained to me!
Though it’s early May, my part of the country has been hit with some extremely unusual weather these last few days. Just Thursday, in fact, we got hit with nearly a foot and a half of snow…On May 2nd! Now, instead of enjoying the balmy warmth of what should be Spring, we were huddled up in our winter coats and snow boots once again. I certainly have a bone to pick with Mother Nature!
The high temperature for yesterday hit around 33 degrees and, of course – thinking that May should be a warm month – I’d packed away winter coats. As a result, when it became necessary to trek out to Target for groceries, little Mister Braden just about froze his rear end off.
As we unloaded the car and I prepared to put our purchases away, Braden began to alternate crossing his legs with a jumping up and down motion. “I gotta go to the bathroom!” he exclaimed.
“Well then, go!” I told him.
“I will…just give me a minute,” he responded.
A minute passed, and then another, and then a full five minutes had passed and Braden was still doing his little dance in the kitchen. “Braden, what in the world are you doing?” I asked.
“I have to pee,” he responded. “I have to pee real bad!”
“Don’t say ‘pee,’ Braden…it’s not polite,” I responded. “Now, go to the bathroom.”
“I will. Just a minute!” he whined.
By this point, I began to get frustrated. “What are you waiting for? Just go!” I responded.
With a huge sigh, Braden practically whined “I’m waiting for my hands to warm up…” and he continued to hop from one foot to the other while simultaneously trying to cross his legs.
I had now lost the battle and was officially irritated. “Braden, what in the world do your hands have to do with going to the bathroom?! Get in there right now and go before you pee on my floor!” I said with barely-contained irritation.
“Mom…first of all, don’t say ‘pee.’ It isn’t polite,” he responded with a smart-alec smirk. He continued by saying, “I can’t go to the bathroom right now because my hands are too cold! You try touching your private parts with cold hands and see how you like it!”
I should’ve just left it at that, but those of you who know me also know that there’s no way I could leave it at that. “What in the world? Why do you have to touch your private parts when you use the bathroom? That’s just gross!”
Finally losing his patience with my ignorance, Braden growled “Do you want me to pee in the toilet or on it? If you want me to pee in the toilet, then I have to use my hands to guide my pee to its target! Okay?!”
For once I was speechless. As a woman, this was not an issue I’d ever had to deal with. How in the world do you respond to that logic?
“Fine,” I replied. “Just don’t forget to wash your hands.” And then as an afterthought I added, “And don’t say ‘pee.’ It isn’t polite.”